Monday, December 7, 2015

WRITTEN IN BLOOD: INDIANA JONES VS LARA CROFT






INDIANA JONES    VERSUS    LARA CROFT

Who wins?

The Deadliest Warrior Tournament is back! This time we’re pitting your favorite characters from movies, comic books, and video games against each other in a one of a kind dream bout! This time it’s the battle of the action archeologists, the Raider of the lost ark against the Raider of tombs. Our analysts asked more opinions of associates than ever before, a grand total of 110 participants! Here’s what my coworkers had to say:

ROUND 7

INDIANA JONES                                   LARA CROFT                       WHO’S RAIDING WHAT?
56                                                               54                                                              1

STORE MANAGER CHOICE: LARA CROFT

ADVANTAGE: INDIANA JONES

Indiana Jones just barely defeats Lara Croft in perhaps the greatest match we’ve ever conducted. The trends that I noticed were more women picked Lara Croft than Indiana Jones due to Lara’s powerful sex appeal and out of pure feminist solidarity. Most of the male voters had similar reasons minus the female solidarity. But ultimately the long enduring fortitude of Indiana Jones won out, having defeated some of history’s greatest villains and surviving the power of Gods both voodoo and Christian and alien alike, not to mention having survived a nuclear explosion inside a lead lined refrigerator. Lara was ahead for most of it but Indy pulled it out at the end proving once again that—

 “It’s not the years. It’s the mileage.”

THE STORY


“It’s July 19th, 2016, the 3rd day of what should be the latest Celestial Equinox according to the Mayan calendar, had it continued beyond 2012. Jonah and I have been following my father’s notes across Central America, from Mexico and thru Guatemala to Belize. According to my father’s research on the 7th day of the Celestial Equinox the Chamber of the Immortality will open.

“I’m following up on another of father’s quests for immortality. If my experiences on Yamatai and in the lost city of Kitezh have taught me anything it’s that these myths and legends of immortality are very real and very frightening. My father, Richard Croft, died in pursuit of these legends. Again I’m doing this for him and the legacy he has left for me. Among my father’s notes it appears that my great grandfather, in his archeological research, was the one to uncover the myth of the Celestial Equinox. Apparently grandfather outsourced his findings to an American colleague in 1939. Whether this American archeologist uncovered anything, grandfather’s notes do not say. Likely not considering the search was passed on to my father decades later.

“These last three days we’ve visited the Mayan ruins from Chichen Itza to Palenque to Tikal. We’re approaching the Xunantunich ruins in Belize. Every day of the equinox reveals more of the mystery, from secret inscriptions and lunar reflecting tablets to secret chambers only accessible during the equinox. On the 7th day the equinox will be at its zenith and only then will the final secret be revealed. We must find the Chamber of Immortality by that time.

“I’m leaving this recording in the event something should happen to me. Each of my quests have proven more deadly than the last. And I fear that sinister Trinity organization is following me once again. Having barely survived the encounter with Trinity in Kitezh I can’t risk another amazing discovery being lost to the sands of time.

“Lara Croft. Out.”

July 22nd 1939

“But why did the temple start falling apart?”

“Cause the grail couldn’t pass beyond the seal, Shorty.”

“I’m not so short anymore, Indy.”

“You’re still shorter than me,” said Indiana with a smirk.

“But what made the temple crumble?” asked Short Round.

“Who knows. Nobody had been inside that temple for hundreds of years. Maybe having an entire army of Nazis inside made the structure unstable. Or maybe it was the power of God.”

“The power of God…” Short Round repeated marveling at the thought. “Is that what we’re doing here? Trying to find the power of God?”

“We’re just helping out an old friend. With everything I’ve seen I wouldn’t mind some simple crypts and dusty artifacts. I’ve had enough power of God for one lifetime. My old friend would have us believe it’s something more. His notes speak of an old Mayan ritual during a particular lunar cycle that only occurs every 77 years. But no one has ever found the ritual chamber so it’s only ever been considered a myth.”

The two of them continued deeper into the subterranean ruins, their boots leaving tracks in the centuries old dust. Indiana pulled himself up onto a ledge, Short Round following after. The ruins were pitch black save for the torches in their hands. Detailed stone carvings of Mayan priests and priestesses adorned the walls around them depicting what appeared to be a ceremony of some kind. The deeper they went the stranger the images carved in the stone.

“How come no one has ever found this place before?”

“Something about the alignment of the moon and the stars. The Mayans were great astronomers. They discovered during certain alignments the weight of objects changed. They built hidden temples and chambers that could only be opened during these.”

“What do you mean? I won’t weigh the same as I do now?”

“Only specific spots on the globe are effected. This is one of them. This temple was built above ground originally. When the alignment passed and the weight of the stones returned to normal the temple sunk below the surface. According to my old friend’s notes at the very center of the temple is where the alignment was at its strongest. That’s where the chamber is. If you believe the legend it says that in the chamber Time ceases to be.”

July 22nd, 2016

Lara continued in her soft English accent, “It’s called the Celestial Equinox because all the planets and their moons are in precise alignment. Like the moon effecting the tides, during this alignment the forces of gravity change. At this exact spot here along the equator its effects are strongest. It is only because of these gravitational anomalies that we were even able to find this place let alone enter the chamber.”

“So it’s like the ticking of a clock,” said Jonah. “As time passes and we grow closer to the equinox more rooms and tunnels open. Everything is time released. And the last place to open is the Chamber of Immortality. That means that as the gravity shifts so does the whole underground temple. This place will change from one moment to the next. This is extremely dangerous, Lara. What’s so important that you’d risk trapping us down here for 77 years?”

“According to carvings on artifacts and temple walls the Mayans were able to funnel the power into an object made out of a rare mineral. The Mayans realized that Time itself was also a slave to the forces of gravity. The full effects of the Celestial Equinox were captured inside the artifact. The carvings seem to indicate that the effects of Time cease to be when one is in possession of the artifact inside the chamber.”

Jonah’s eyes peeled back wide, “So holding the artifact makes you immortal? Just what is this thing anyway?”

“My great grandfather referred to it as the Hourglass of Itzamna, the Mayan god who, according to myth, gave them the knowledge to create the infamous Mayan calendar. No one knows exactly what it is. By the end of this maybe we will.” Lara checked her watch, “The full moon will be overhead in less than an hour. I need to be at the entrance to the chamber when that happens.”

Jonah cocked his head to the side, “You mean “We” need to be at the entrance, right? Lara, you are not leaving me behind again.”

They walked through a narrow corridor and entered a room that opened to a massive vertical shaft. Lara cracked a handful of glow sticks and dropped them down the shaft. They watched the blue glow fall further and further into the darkness until they were no longer visible.

“From here on, Jonah, I’m going alone. I need you here if I don’t make it back in time. If that chamber closes with me still inside I need you to escape and bring back whoever and whatever you need to get me out.” She slipped off her black leather jacket and unloaded all her extra gear.

“I guess it wouldn’t be tomb raiding if you didn’t bring down the ruins behind you?” said Jonah cracking a smile.

Lara gave him a wry look as she hammered an anchor into the floor and equipped her repelling rope and gear, “Are saying I’m messy?”

“No. Just that you kind of suck as an archeologist.”

Lara grabbed a firm hold of the green nylon rope and prepared to descend, “Just promise you’ll get me out. We can discuss the preservation of archeological sites while trying to fight off terrorists and cultists when I get back. And keep on the radio and let me know if Trinity shows.” With those final words she began scaling down the side of the wall into the darkness.

1939

Dr. Jones and Short Round stood at the edge of the vertical shaft. A strange bright green rope dangled down the side. Neither of them had seen anything like it. They didn’t know what to make of it. “You feel that, Shorty? Like your heart’s rising in your chest. It’s the gravity changing. The effects of the equinox are growing stronger. Something’s happening and it isn’t right.”

“You be careful, Indy.”

“Shorty, if things get bad I want you to run like hell and keep out of sight, you hear me.”

“Okey dokey, Dr. Jones. But what about you?”

Indy took off his jacket and handed it to his partner. He inhaled deeply and cracked his whip, the end wrapping around an old wooden beam jutting from the other side of the vertical shaft, “I’ll think of something.” He gripped the whip tight and swung across the open chasm to a ledge on the other side. He swung back and forth across the room, each time to a lower ledge until he reached the bottom. He ignited another torch and scanned his surroundings. Before him lay a hallway, statues of demonic looking Mayan warriors lined the walls.

2016

Lara carefully entered the hallway treading softly between the rows of stone Mayan warriors. She noticed something peculiar along the floor. A set of tracks in the dust leading down the corridor ahead. The tracks appeared perfectly preserved as if they had just been made. What’s more they looked to be relatively modern boot prints, definitely not Mayan. Nobody was supposed to have been here in centuries. Her mind started to wonder. A strange feeling swept over her, as if her heart were rising into her throat. Sweat beaded along her brow. The further she went the hotter the air around her became. With the ghastly statues around her and the infernal heat, images of Hell flashed in her mind.

The end of the hallway showed in an eerie white glow. The closer she stepped the stranger the feeling inside grew. Checking her watch it showed seven minutes to full moonrise overhead. The effects of the equinox became greater with each passing second. Lara stood before a solid piece of stone. White light shimmered around the edges. The stone seemed to float in place on the beams of light. Carved into the stone face were the Mayan words “Forever Now.” She pushed against it.

1939

The stone moved with ease offering only slight resistance. Pushing it back and out of the way Indy entered the Chamber of Immortality. The room was vast and filled with light. A pyramid shaped altar sat in the center of the chamber, 100 feet high, steps on all four sides rising to the top. An identical pyramid, inverted and equally enormous, hung from the ceiling. The two altars nearly touched at their points save for a small gap between them.

Indy gazed up at the pillar of light glowing in the gap between the two pyramids. Floating in the light was an hourglass shaped object, shimmering platinum. Indiana began ascending the steps. Sweat rolled down the sides of his face, his shirt already soaked through.

2016

The closer Lara stepped the more exhilaration she felt flowing through her. The power of the equinox was nearly at its peak. The heat was intense but she pressed onward. She checked her watch. The moon would be directly overhead in seconds. She stood at the top. Taking a deep breath she stepped into the light. She could see an intricate array of etchings covering every centimeter of the artifact. She reached for it.

1939

Indiana reached for it. He clasped his fingers around the hourglass and pulled the artifact from its floating position.

As she did she felt a surge of energy flow through her. She no longer felt tired. Her muscles no longer felt sore. Her stomach quit growling. It was as if every physical need of her body vanished. She didn’t feel anything more or less but rather like everything had been placed in stasis.

She didn’t know when exactly it happened but suddenly there were three men standing atop the altar with her. In each of their hands was another hourglass, not a different piece, but the exact same artifact she now held in her hands. All of them appeared strangely dressed for 2016. One of them looked like an authentic Mayan warrior while another seemed to be a 15th century pirate. The third brandished a bull whip and a World War II era pistol. He wore a hat and looked ruggedly handsome, like something out of a 1930’s pulp novel. They eyed each other with similar curiosity.

“Where the hell did you come from?” Indy asked.

The Mayan spoke something in his native tongue while the pirate turned to him saying, “You look familiar. Have I threatened you before?” Then the pirate shifted his gaze to Lara, “Mmm… I’d very much like to threaten you. Rum?” He extended his hand offering a very old bottle of rum.

Lara backed up cautiously. The other three did the same. Each of them had an exact copy of the hourglass. She scanned all four artifacts, each one identical in every detail. Then she looked over the others, each of them seemingly from different eras in time. “Forever Now,” she thought aloud.

“That’s interesting,” commented the pirate, his voice relaxed, his words nearly slurring together. “Apparently I’m not the only one searching for immortality.” The Mayan shouted at them all, a furious expression upon his face. The pirate turned to her and the man with the whip, “Either of you understand that?”

Lara could barely make out what the warrior was saying through his thick dialect, “Unwanted… No, something about intruding.”

“He’s saying we’re unworthy,” said Indy. “We’re desecrating a sacred temple.” The warrior kept speaking, his demeanor and tone growing ever more hostile. He pulled a dagger from his belt and slashed at them all. Lara ducked the blade and the pirate ran down the pyramid slope screaming. Indiana caught the warrior’s wrist as it came around and drove his fist into the Mayan’s face. The knife and the hourglass in the Mayan warrior’s hand came loose, tumbling down the steps. Another two punches to the gut and a right cross to the face dropped Indy’s opponent.

Lara and Indiana were the only two left standing at the top. They looked at each other cautiously, “Before you go any further let me ask just what the hell is going on?” she said. “Where did you come from? Why are there now four hourglasses?”

“You think I know? From the looks of it those two should’ve been dead hundreds if not a thousand years ago. Them I recognize. You? I’ve met a lot of women in my day, but I’ve never met one looking the way you do, and most certainly not from England.”

Their gaze was drawn from each other to the base of the pyramid. The hourglass that was formerly in the Mayan’s possession now lay out in the open. The pirate scooped it up, holding an hourglass in each hand. The artifacts began to glow and vibrate, drawing closer to each other as if magnetized. Upon contact the two objects merged into one. “That’s interesting…” said the pirate. He then looked up at the two of them and their hourglasses.

Lara and Indy looked back at one another, both of them reading the thoughts of the other clearly. Lara pulled one of her pistols. Indiana’s whip cracked across her wrist, the gun sailing through the air. Out of the corner of their eyes they saw the pirate take off towards the hallway. They both high-tailed it down the pyramid after him, securing their artifacts in either a knapsack or satchel. Lara retrieved her pistol and sprinted into the corridor with Indiana in pursuit.

The pirate suddenly blew passed them screaming hysterically, hands flailing through the air. Ahead of them the temple structure moved, the room rotating and shifting, changing shape entirely. And all the demonic looking warrior statues that had once lined the hall were flooding towards them, alive and bloodthirsty. Gripping both pistols Lara fired, unloading with extreme prejudice. She mowed down the first twenty temple guards but more still barreled down the shifting corridor. She emptied her clips. The closest guard lunged at with sword in hand. She ducked his sword slash and the guard’s face was met with Indy’s fist. Lara switched from her pistols to her climbing pick axe, driving the blade into the warrior’s chest. Together they held their own for a moment, Lara ducking and dodging and stabbing with Indiana putting all his weight behind each punch.

The room around them began to collapse slowly, as if shifting into a new shape. Both Indy and Lara shouted to the other, “Go! Get back into the chamber!” They ran back the way they came followed by a dozen angry guards. Inside they saw the pirate once again running out of another corridor with more temple guards chasing after, “Not good! Not good! Parley! Parley!” He ran up the steps to the pillar of light and tossed the hourglass back into the center. The artifact collapsed in on itself leaving only half of the hourglass floating in the lunar glow.

“Four halves to a whole,” uttered Lara under her breath. “Forever Now…”

“Where time has no meaning,” continued Indiana. “This isn’t immortality. It’s a place where time doesn’t exist. Every moment in time exists at once together.”

“It’s the gravitational effects of the equinox at its center,” said Lara. She looked at his satchel as he glanced at her knapsack. “I need your piece of the hourglass,” she said.

“Hand yours over and let me take care of this,” said Indiana.

The guards flooded over them. They tackled both of them to the chamber floor. Lara gutted the one on top of her with her axe. With a powerful kick Indy threw off his attacker. They both scrambled to their feet and took off running. Guards ran towards them from all sides. Suddenly the room began rotating, the pyramids on the ceiling and floor rotated along the sides of the walls. As they ran next to each other Indy reached for her knapsack, “Give me the hourglass, now!”

“I will not be stranded here for all eternity!” shouted Lara. She swung her axe at him tearing open his shirt and cutting his chest. Indiana veered off away from her pulling his gun from its holster. She responded in kind and they fired upon one another. Bullets grazed her arms and legs but otherwise missed her entirely, instead burying themselves in temple guards running beside her. The floor dropped out from under her. She grasped the edge with three fingers, dangling from one arm before an endless pitfall while two guards plummeted down into the darkness. She pulled herself up as yet more holes in the structure appeared and blocks moved above her head. Lara leapt up on top of one moving block and then onto another as they shifted and floated about the room. More temple warriors leapt after her. At once she was surrounded by three opponents. They struck her across the face, in the abdomen, and across the back. She took their best hits but did not give up. She shot, sliced, and stabbed each of them, knocking them off the block altogether. From one of them she stole a bow and quiver of arrows.

At the same time Indiana clung to the rotating pyramid, once on the floor and now scaling up the wall. With his whip and his fists he fended off his attackers, even taking one of his enemy’s swords and turning the weapon back on its owner. A guard stepped in front of him ready to cleave his skull open when an arrowhead pierced the guard’s chest. Had the enemy not stepped in front of Indiana the arrow would’ve buried itself in Indy’s chest. Looking behind the guard he spied Lara across the room, crouched on a floating stone with a bow in hand. More arrows sailed toward him, each one dead on its target. Indy ducked and dodged the arrows as they sliced through the air, narrowly missing him, sometimes ripping through his clothes and nicking his skin. Lara fired in rapid succession. Swinging the sword he lifted off of a guard, he knocked several arrows away.

The pyramid was now completely horizontal with the wall. Indiana ran straight out towards the center of the room. An arrow flew straight for him. He didn’t have time to react. All he could do was hold the sword in front of him for the sliver of defense it provided. The arrow veered off the blade, sparking upon contact, and speared through his satchel. The arrow pulled his satchel from his arm and pinned it to the wall across the room.

Lara reached for another arrow finding the quiver empty. They both stood on opposite sides of the room on shifting and floating surfaces, the satchel stuck on the wall almost directly between them. The temple guards gathered below, a group climbing towards Lara and another group sprinting for the satchel, ignoring Indiana altogether.

Lara and Indy glanced at the satchel and then back at each other. Lara made a running leap from one floating stone to another, jumping her way towards the satchel. Indy too made a running leap from the pyramid, cracking his whip around a long thin piece of stone floating above. He swung from one perch to another. They raced neck and neck towards Indiana’s pack, the temple warriors scaling the wall below and closing in.

Lara launched through the air. Indy swung from his whip. They both landed on a stone platform jutting out from the wall directly below the dangling satchel. Lara pounded her fists across his face and into his gut. Indy caught the next fist flying towards him. She spun around throwing her elbow out, striking him across the jaw. Indy knocked back against the wall. With him pinned to the wall she went after him with full force. First a left jab followed quickly by a right cross. Indiana stopped both punches, grabbing her wrists a hair’s breadth before contact.

“I don’t want to fight you. Call me old fashioned,” said Indiana trying to hold her at bay.

Lara thrust her knee into his groin. As he doubled over she head-butted him in face. Indy fell back into the wall slumped over.  “Welcome to the 21st century,” she said through gritted teeth. She shoved her boot in his face and leapt off him, reaching for the satchel hanging above. Several hands pulled her back down in mid jump. Three of the guards had climbed onto the platform and surrounded them. Again Lara lashed out with ferocity. A boot to the chest sent one of them careening towards the floor below. An elbow to another and a fist to the other. As she knocked each one off more climbed up to replace them. They slowly wore her down, landing more attacks as the battle continued.

Indiana straightened his hat and rose to his feet. A part of him wanted to keep back and watch her struggle. The other part of him won out. He punched a guard square in the face sending him sailing backwards and off the platform. He grabbed Lara by the shoulder and pulled her back beside him, “Get back!” He cocked his fist as three temple warriors lunged for them. With one punch he struck all three across the jaw sending them falling to the ground below. With that blow he cleared the stone platform save for Lara. Out of the corner of his he saw her move to hit him in the back. He sidestepped the attack and back handed her across the face. As she reeled from the blow he punched her square in the face. The blow sent her flying back, bouncing off the wall, and slumping over on her side.

“I said I don’t want to fight. Not that I won’t. Besides I think you and I may be on the same side.”

Lara spat out a wad of blood and picked herself up, “What makes you think that?”

“The arrows. You could’ve killed me back there, but you didn’t. When you took out my satchel I figured you pieced it together too. Bringing the four hourglasses back together is our ticket home. As long as we stay here we’re going to be fighting these guys forever.”

She wiped the blood from her mouth, “That’s not how I’d wish to spend my immortality. I’m—I’m sorry.” More enemies climbed up onto the platform. Lara stood back to back with Indy. He grabbed the sword he had lifted off one of the guards and she gripped her climbing axe. One after another they cleaved open and cut apart their attackers, one covering the other’s back. They cleared the platform once more, but an even larger group of guards quickly scaled the wall towards them.

“We need to get out of here, now!” shouted Indiana. Lara nodded and ran towards the wall. She jumped, planted one foot against the wall, and pushed off giving her an added boost. She clutched Indy’s satchel and ripped it from the wall. She landed back on the platform and pulled out both remaining pieces of the hourglass. Like before, the two pieces merged. Lara stepped beside him, “Ready?” he asked.

“Let’s get the hell out of here,” she replied.

Indy pulled out his whip and lashed it around another small floating piece of stone out above. The guards began pulling themselves up onto the platform. Lara and Indiana booted several guards in the face before being overrun. “We’ve gotta go, now!” he yelled. She wrapped her arms around him, holding the hourglass to his bare chest. With their faces less than an inch apart, he looked her in the eye and said, “Where have you been all my life?”

Through sweat, dirt, blood, and bruises she smiled at him, “I’m guessing 77 years in front of you.” She kissed him and  together they swung off the platform through the air towards the center of the room. The two pyramid altars with the other half of the hourglass suspended between them rotated directly into their line of sight.

A cry above prompted them to look up. The pirate and a dozen guards dropped down from above, the pirate screaming and flailing while falling through the air. He landed on Indy and Lara as they swung past, the guards crashing to the stone floor below. The pirate held tight to them and gestured to the guards splattering on the floor, “You will always remember today as the day you almost caught Captain Ja—” Before he could finish the three of them swung straight into the column of light, the pieces of the hourglass reuniting in a flash of light!

1939

Indy suddenly found himself alone standing back where he was before touching the artifact. He checked his watch: Not one second had passed since he initially touched the hourglass. But all the wounds he’d sustained were present. He could still feel her touch. After a few minutes the moon was no longer directly above. The planets started moving out of alignment.

2016

Lara ran out of the chamber, back down the corridor, and began climbing up the vertical shaft as fast as she could. When she finally reached the top, Jonah was there with the rest of the gear, just as she left him. He was shocked at seeing her in such a battered state. She grabbed her gear and the two of them bolted for the exit. The shifting gravity due to the planetary alignment was slowly resealing the pathways and corridors leading to the center of the temple. The two of them raced the shifting stones to the entrance, escaping in the nick of time.

1939

Indiana and Short Round dove through the sinking doorway as gravity pulled the secret Mayan temple back down deeper into the earth. The two of them continued on out of the subterranean temple to the surface where their jeep was waiting for them. “Where are we going now, Dr. Jones?” asked Short Round.

“Surrey, England.”

“What’s there?”

“The old friend who told us to go here. I need to tell him not to go searching for the Chamber of Immortality,” said Indy.

“What happened down there?”

“I’ll tell you about it on the way, Shorty.” As they approached the jeep another vehicle drove towards them. Four official looking men stepped out and walked towards them. Indiana and Short Round sat calm and still as they surrounded the jeep.

“Dr. Henry Jones?” asked a man in a black suit and hat.

“One of them,” said Indy.

“We’re from the Office of Strategic Services. Your presence has been requested.”

“What does an intelligence agency want with me?”

“A war in Europe is on the horizon. Have you heard of a man named Adolph Hitler, Dr. Jones?”

“Sounds familiar,” responded Indiana reluctantly.

“We spoke with your father already. Your experiences with the Nazis places you in a unique position.”

“Am I under arrest or something? Are you four here to make me disappear?”

“In a manner of speaking. Dr. Jones, your country is in need of your services.”

Indy turned to Short Round, “Looks like my old friend is going to have to wait.”

2016

On the flight back to England Lara couldn’t shake the man with the bullwhip from her mind. There was something familiar about him that she couldn’t place. Upon arriving in London her and Jonah parted ways for the moment and she headed back to Surrey and to Croft Manor. There she spent the next night in her father’s old study pouring over notes about the Hourglass of Itzamna. She went over every page in every notebook about her father’s study of the Mayans but still couldn’t find what she was looking for.

The next day she stood in the middle of the study simply staring at the boxes of notebooks, artifacts, and weathered documents hoping something would call out to her. As the morning rays of sunlight shone through the window they lighted upon a box near the wall. She walked over to it and discovered several photos and books belonging to her great grandfather, Tennison Croft. Among them were old photos from his years at Oxford. Flipping through them her heart leapt at the sight of one photograph: A picture of the man she had encountered in the Chamber of Immortality next to her great grandfather. The photo was dated 1931 and both men appeared young and handsome. On the back of the picture was a note: My friend Henry “Indiana” Jones and I three days before graduation.

“Indiana Jones,” said Lara to herself, wonder and intrigue in her voice. “If only somehow we could meet again.”


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