WRITTEN IN BLOOD: VIKING VS NINJA

The Preface: So it's 6:00 am and I'm tired and bored at work. I'm going through the daily routine and suddenly a thought occurs to me: How cool would it be to see a Viking fight a Ninja? I wonder who would win? So, just in passing, I ask one of my coworkers what they think. They say, "The Viking would definitely win. They're way stronger and meaner." Another coworker overhears this and steps in saying, "No way! The Ninja would kill the Viking before the Viking even knew he was there!"

I asked another associate who they think would win in a fight between a Viking and a Ninja. Then I asked another. And another. I started taking a tally and keeping track of which warrior received how many votes. By the end of the week I asked almost every coworker, nearly 90 people. Before we continue let me just say that: yes I am aware of the tv show Deadliest Warrior. But know this, I have always asked these kinds of questions even before that show. Here are the results of my little impromptu survey:

VIKING VERSUS NINJA

Viking                                                                  Ninja                                                          Undecided
   36                                                                        46                                                                    1

What the hell is the matter with you, NinjaMitche?

1

ADVANTAGE: NINJA

Most of my coworkers felt, purely on gut instinct, that the Ninja would take down the Viking. Their reasonings were typically that the Ninja is far more stealthier and had access to a larger array of weapons. The Ninja is the master of the 1000 Ways of Death. Many mentioned how the Ninjas would be smarter, taking out the Vikings as quickly and efficiently as possible.

Those voting for the Vikings felt that the Ninja wouldn't stand a chance against the Vikings strength and berserker rage! Many felt that the Vikings had more history and more experience than the Ninja, raping, pillaging, and killing. They were bigger, stronger, and physically superior in every way to the pajama wearing little Ninjas.

What does this say about the voter's psychology?  Ninjas and Vikings are fairly prevalent in pop culture today. The Television show Vikings along with Marvel's Thor films have kept Viking life and mythology fresh in our minds (regardless of how fantastic and inaccurate the depiction). Likewise there are several Ninja shows, Naruto, Basilisk, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to keep these assassins on our minds as well.

It was interesting to look at the people casting their votes and explaining why. I think it's a fair assumption to say some of the people voting for Vikings reflected these qualities. Thinking that seemed to say if you are physically stronger you can accomplish much. Whereas with those who voted for the Ninjas believed that using your mind you could defeat any opponent. Whether this is true or not of my coworkers inner feelings and psychology, I cannot say. But it was an interesting perspective to look at them through.

FYI in case it wasn't obvious, I voted for Ninja. And you better believe that I'm writing this is full ninja garb while listening to the Shinobi soundtrack.

THE BATTLE: Being the person that I am I found myself wanting to see this battle play out before my eyes. As far as I know this match up hasn't been done before. So, exercising a little creativity, I decided to write out my fictional battle between the Vikings of legend and the Ninjas of myth based on the results of my coworkers and this survey. The following is my idea of how the fight would go:

THE STORY

In the year 999 A.D. Leif Erikson left Greenland and set sail for Norway. A terrible storm blew his ship way off course. Another ship was sent after him, a ship full of the fiercest vikings the Norsemen have ever known. Their ship too encountered a powerful storm at sea, a storm so great in fact the men aboard believed it to be the fury of Odin himself. The storm took control of their ship and did not let up for many months.

While Erikson landed in the Herbrides the other ship was blown far southeast. Lost at sea for months on end, the viking warriors arrived in a strange land populated with a race of people the likes of which they had never seen. The vikings came ashore during a battle between villages. They themselves were attacked by mistake. The vikings defended themselves and more. They pillaged the villages and defeated both militias. During the battle the vikings entered a blood-rage state of mind, going berserk, and set out to conquer this vile land for Odin!

Their carnage spread to peaceful neighboring villages and many innocents were slaughtered. One night, while the vikings slept, a small group of warriors clad in black made their way into the camp. The berserkers awoke to the sounds of their fellow warriors screaming. A battle erupted and the small band of ninja were killed but not without taking several vikings with them. The vikings sought out their would-be assassins, tracking them to a small seemingly quiet village. The vikings came in destroying everything in their path. But they found no sign of the ninja. 

Suddenly above them on the rooftops the ninja appeared surrounding the viking horde. A rain of arrows fell down upon the men of the north. The vikings suffered heavy casualties, only a small contingent escaping. They fled into the forest directly into another ambush. The ninja appeared out of the shadows, coming at them with shurikens, spears, swords, and more. The vikings held their swords and shields high and decimated the small band of ninja. The little men in pajamas were no match for the strength and ferocity of the blonde giants.

With their numbers down to only a few, the surviving vikings returned to their ship. Once aboard they prepared to set sail. One viking noticed something strange about the water, a black substance floating all around the ship, smelling of oil. He looked ashore seeing a lone ninja standing on the beach, a candle in hand. The ninja dropped the candle in the water and the sea around them burst into flames. The fire climbed the sides of the ship. The leader of the vikings looked about frantically for a means of survival. When he called upon his men for assistance no one answered. He walked out onto the deck seeing the bodies of fellow vikings, all slain. Standing before him was a single ninja holding a bloody sword.

They both held up their weapons and charged toward one another. The ninja was no match for the viking's berserker strength and ferocity. Instead she used his bulk and heavy weight against him. She out quicked him. She stabbed him hundreds of times but he refused to go down. What he couldn't hit with his sword he kicked and punched knocking her across the wooden deck of the ship. They both fought with everything they had as the boat burned down around them. All her determination, all her willpower, all the strength within her nimble body, she left none of it unused. His blood and the blood of his brothers soaked the deck of the ship. Both only had strength left for one last attack. He charged at her roaring in defiance. She dashed at him silently pouring everything she had left into this final attack. 

The berserker fell face down on the deck, wounds gushing forth the last bit of life left within him. He died knowing he had given his all, a death worthy of entering the great halls of Valhalla. He was greeted by Thor and Balder and host of other gods and lusty wenches. Awaiting him at a grand banquet were his fellow vikings. 

The ninja cut a hole in the bottom of the ship, swam beneath the flames, and back to shore. She returned to the hidden village of her clan a hero and became the clan leader. She and her warriors succeeded in defending Japan from the giants of the north and would continue to protect Japan from the shadows.

What do you think? Who would you bet on in a battle between a Viking and a Ninja? Feel free to cast your vote in the comments below!

TALES OF ZATOICHI ~ PART 28: ICHI

Among the badass characters of cinema only one is blind, a master swordsman, biwa player, expert gambler, and masseur. There truly is no other character quite like the incredible Zatoichi. There's a reason why this character was a world wide phenomenon. I'm ashamed to say I've only just been intimately acquainted this last year with the infamous blind swordsman. We'll get to the real meat and potatoes of Zatoichi in another post. This post we'll be focusing on the 2008 film (the 28th film on the subject of Zatoichi) titled simply ICHI.

With the passing of the legendary Shintaro Katsu (the man who originally portrayed Zatoichi and up until 2003 the only actor to ever play the character) the series was laid to rest for a time. In 2003 a new film with a different actor attempted to reboot the franchise. In 2008 the franchise dramatically changed. Zatoichi was now a woman.

The basic plot is this: Ichi was born blind, a Goze (blind woman). When she was an infant she was rescued by the real Zatoichi and taken to live with a group of goze. She looked to him as her savior, mentor, and father. From time to time he'd leave and return over the years. He taught her his trade, to master his swordsmanship, and how not to be a victim in a harsh world. Living among the other goze she learned to play an instrument called the shamisen (a three stringed instrument similar to the lute). After a performance she was raped by a patron. Reaching for her sword, she slew the degenerate, her first kill. The laws of living with the goze require one to be celibate and therefore she was banished from the house.

In the dead of winter with nothing but her sword and shamisen, having experienced the single worst day of her life, Ichi set out to find her mentor, Zatoichi. Finding refuge where she could, and following rumors of the whereabouts of a talented blind masseur, Ichi eventually found herself within a small village beset by a gang of ruthless mercenaries called the Banki-to led by the powerful swordsman Banki. The Banki-to and the village's ruling yakuza family are at war, with the former proving stronger.

Ichi befriends a trouble man named Toma, a son of a swordmanship dojo and a master swordsman in his own right. Because of an accident as a young man where he accidentally killed his mother, Toma will never draw his blade again. On the way out of the village Ichi slays four Banki-to with lightning fast speed. These kills were mistakenly attributed to Toma. The local yakuza hire Toma to get rid of the Banki-to once and for all. It all ends in a showdown in the street between Toma, the yakuza, and Banki and the Banki-to with Ichi rushing to save Toma. You'll have to watch to see how it ends.

Having seen all the Zatoichi films prior to this one, I must say that I'm cool with the change. I'm all for badass ladies and actress Haruka Ayase is definitely that. She's pretty and withdrawn and very deadly in this film. As far as taking up the mantle she plays it with respect and a powerful seriousness. Shintaro Katsu always had an air mischief about his portrayal which is lacking in hers. But she's not playing the same character. She's acting as his successor and a woman whose life has been full of misfortune and tragedy. The damage she has sustained shows on her face and in her actions. She does a wonderful job throughout the entire film.

The humor is brought to the film through the character of Toma and a young boy who has lost his mother. The film follows closer to a classic Zatoichi film in plot and flow. In channeling the essence of Zatoichi the film succeeds. We are even shown flashbacks of Zatoichi and his training of Ichi. So Zatoichi is indeed in this film. The story is one succession. Ichi is now the one we will follow and the one to continue Zatoichi's legacy.

Before we leave I should note the violence in the film. The violence in Zatoichi films are typically either muted, in which case we see swords swinging and men falling. Or it is accentuated, in which case we see copious amounts of blood and severed limbs. This film falls under the latter. There's plenty of blood and the swordplay is badass. I'd call it either PG-13 or R rated violence. Plenty of wicked sword action to wet the appetite! All in all I really enjoyed it. A worthy addition to the franchise.

Overall Ranking: 6 out of 10

KAIJUOLOGY: DOGORA ~ THE SPACE MONSTER

Subject: Dogora

Documentation: Dogora The Space Monster (1964), Godzilla: Monster of Monsters (NES video game 1988)

History: In 1964 the world suffered an attack from one of the most bizarre creatures ever witness. Dubbed Dogora by the Japanese scientists who discovered the beast, this strange jellyfish like creature of outer space origin first appeared in the skies above Japan. The beast is one of the largest kaiju on record dwarfing the likes of Godzilla, Biollante, and virtually every terrestrial kaiju in existence. Its body is soft and malleable consisting of a central mass (the body) and numerous tentacle like arms.

Dogora is at home in the vacuum of outer space as well as Earth's atmosphere. The beast has an ability to move through space and our atmosphere easily, traveling under its own power by as of yet unknown means, moving through space and our skies like a jellyfish moves through water. The extent of the creatures strength has not been accurately measured either. Dogora, at the height of its destructive rampage, lifted the entire Wakato Bridge, a structure two kilometers long weighing several hundred tons. Its strength capacities haven't been fully measured but it is believed the creature could lift a kaiju as large as Biollante with ease.

In the 1964 event the creatures (multiple Dogoras) were discovered in orbit just beyond our planet's atmosphere. Many satellites in orbit were destroyed due to impacts with the body of the creature. The creatures have a hunger for carbon based materials, (whether the creatures need a certain amount of carbon to survive or are simply attracted to the element is unknown at this time) attacking coal mines and factories across Japan. Diamonds were also subject to their attention. The beasts demonstrated a telekinetic ability and suction to steal the coal and diamonds, absorbing the material into their bodies. Their telekinesis ranged from floating a single human being through the air to lifting entire buildings off the ground.

The body of the beast, as previously stated, is flexible. During an attack the beasts were bombarded by artillery of the Japanese Self Defense Forces. The result was the seeming destruction of the creatures, only to discover that the beast had merely divided itself into hundreds or smaller beasts, a kaiju size mitosis of sorts. Salvation was discovered in the form of wasps. The venom of wasp stings contained a chemical which reacted with Dogora's body resulting in a crystallization of its form. The chemical was synthesized and weaponized by the Japanese and the Dogora threat was ended. The crystallized remains of the Dogora monsters were collected for further study and quarantined.

Review: Dogora is one of the most unique and interesting monsters in the entire Toho kaiju stable. Dogora has an interesting design and unique power set. The possibile threat of a hunger for carbon has frightening possibilities too (What if Dogora decided to snack on all carbon based materials including human beings?! The threat level just jumped WAY up!). Dogora is a kaiju rarely seen and rarely used but is so rife with potential. A modern reinvention of the kaiju could be something awe-inspiring and wicked cool.

A fairly accurate size comparison of Godzilla and Dogora as depicted in the NES video game

The special effects used to bring Dogora to life in the film are something to behold too and begs the question "How'd they do that?" With today's special effects Dogora could make for one incredible adversary for Godzilla. The only time Godzilla and Dogora have ever battled was in the NES video game Godzilla: Monster of Monsters. Godzilla only fights little Dogoras but it should be noted that in the background of the Dogora level is one massive Dogora monster dwarfing Godzilla in size!

Mothra traversing the Dogora level in the NES game Godzilla: Monster of Monsters

In summary Dogora needs another movie and is a kaiju dying to get back in the game! Also worthy of note is that the original Dogora film is unlike any other kaiju film in that it doesn't present itself as a kaiju film but rather a heist film. Just another nod to how amazing director Ishiro Honda and crew were, already trying to reinvent the kaiju genre (much Marvel Studios is doing with super hero films today. Ant-Man is said to be a heist film too!).

Threat Level: 10 out 10 (Extinction level threat)

Art by Yasushi Torisawa

SILVER TONGUED SILVER SCREEN: A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT

Back when I used to live in Lincoln, Nebraska on occasion I would visit the Mary Riepma Ross Theater, the university theater that would play low budget indie flicks and foreign films. It was there that I saw such films as Red Cliff, Let the Right One In, The Orphanage, and House of Flying Daggers among others. Since moving away in 2010 I haven't had the luxury of such a theater. This last weekend I was back in town and decided to drop by the Ross Theater again. This time I saw the Iranian vampire western political statement A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT.

Huh? At first glance I thought, judging from the title, that this wood be another film similar to CABIN IN THE WOODS. Oh, how wrong I was. This film is in black & white. The language spoken is Farsi so we're reading the film with English subtitles. The movie is slowly paced, deliberate, and methodical. It is set in an ambiguous time period (a mash up of 1980's and 1950's with modern day cellular phones) in a sinful oil town called Bad City sitting in the middle of the desert. This town is home to many unsavory folk and only a few innocent residents. A lone vampire drifts into town determined to clean up this den of rot and ruin.

Arash (our central male character) is trapped in Bad City. He is unable to get out, without money or support, stuck paying his father's debt to the pimp. The Girl's (our female vampire) first victim is the pimp, perhaps the vilest character in the film. She appears like a specter in the night without a word, humbly and mysteriously dressed in a black cape and hood (an innocent sort of red riding hood appearance). She's clearly beautiful and uses this to her advantage. She lures the pimp into an intimate seduction, bites his finger off, shoves the severed finger into his mouth, and gorges herself on his blood.

From here on she continues disposing of trash and vermin plaguing the city. With the exception of the homeless man her victims are typically the bad people of the city. She menacingly threatens a young boy into staying good and growing up to be a good man. She helps a prostitute escape being raped and force injected heroin. But when she meets Arash her world changes. Arash is tripping on ecstasy when he meets her making it a truly interesting scene. It would be almost too easy to feed off him. Arash had just wandered from a costume party dressed as Dracula and is lost unable to find his way home. Maybe it's that he's pretending to be a vampire. Maybe it's that he's lost. Maybe she sees into his heart that all he truly wants is to be free from Bad City. No matter the reason the Girl takes him in instead of killing him.

The film injects horror, romance, and morality into one curious mix. Arash and the Girl form a deep bond, whether it's love or not is left up to the viewer. It follows the basic formula of most spaghetti westerns a la Sergio Leone. The score in several instances is the most obvious nod to the western genre. Actress Sheila Vand plays the vampire with a mixture of Bela Lugosi, Stephen Rea, and a curious aloofness  and malevolence all her own. She truly is amazing in this role. The rest of the cast is great too but none compare to her.

For the most part this film works. The only thing I don't understand is the scene with the dancing gender confused cowboy/girl and his/her balloon on a string. That's the only scene that the film could do without in my book. Seriously, why is it there? One could speculate that this transgender western figure is a physical representation of the role reversal and genre inversion of the characters and film. A commentary on the film itself, unique and unable to be categorized. Or it could just be a scene with a she-male cowboy dancing with a balloon. Damned if I know.

I didn't have any snacks or soda pop with me so near the end I was almost dozing off but that is nothing against the film. It simply means I'm getting old and that's what usually happens when I watch classic westerns without any sugar. The scene with the most impact happens to be the first death scene. This is a little disappointing but forgivable. Still I wish there would have been one climatic scene at the end to top the first. The scene was there was the director didn't go for it like she should have. All in all a very unique and visceral experience. Ms. Vand's performance is worth the watch alone.

Overall Ranking: 6 out of 10
Nude-O-Meter: 2 out of 10

THE SAGA OF THE KING OF THE MONSTERS PART ??? THAT 1998 AMERICAN MESS

So, imagine you're watching a new Clint Eastwood movie and when Clint comes on screen it's Shia Labouf instead. You point at the screen and say, "Hey, that's not Clint Eastwood!" But the movie keeps telling it is Clint. "No. It's not. And stop trying to tell me it is! I know Clint Eastwood and THAT is not Clint Eastwood!" There is only one Clint Eastwood. And there is only one GODZILLA. Accept no substitutes. Regardless of what people say there was no Godzilla film made in 1998. They tried to tell us there was but in actuality there wasn't. Godzilla's image, everything about him really, is as much an icon as his name. And TOHO studios realized this and brought him back out of retirement.

The idea was that Japan would retire Godzilla permanently after GODZILLA VS DESTOROYAH in 1995. Toho Studios made a business deal with Hollywood studio Columbia Tristar to produce a BIG budget Hollywood Godzilla movie. What resulted was a film that more resembled 1953's BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS and never even came close to representing Godzilla. The film did very well at the box office worldwide but fan reaction was extremely negative. Many of the Japanese people disliked the film. Hell, many of the American people disliked the film.

I remember going to the theater on my birthday to see it. I was so very excited, elated beyond anything my young heart had ever experienced before. I was finally going to see my hero on the BIG SCREEN!! I came out of the theater with very mixed feelings. The movie itself wasn't bad but the fact that I was lied to, told there would be Godzilla in this movie (and he wasn't), I felt cheated, empty inside. I felt screwed. As a result I have never again watched this movie and do not acknowledge it as a Godzilla film.

It's funny. If they would have called the movie a remake of BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS and titled it as such I would probably like the movie, maybe even own it. As it stands, the film has too many negative feelings associated with it.

TOHO realized their mistake and immediately followed up the next year by bringing the REAL true Godzilla back for his 23 big screen appearance. But they didn't just abandon the 1998 creature. They added him to their kaiju roster and even acknowledged the film as occurring within the Godzilla continuity. They clearly state that the monster was mistakenly identified by the Americans as Godzilla and is in fact a different monster all on its own.

I still hate him though. And I don't count this film in Godzilla's saga or timeline.

Overall Ranking: 0 out of 10
Category: I dub thee Suckster!

I'm not even going to dignify this post with a gif image. Just this video...

INFINITY WATCH EPISODE 2: MARVEL'S AGENTS OF SHIELD & MARVEL'S AGENT CARTER

Last night ABC premiered the latest news from Marvel Studios, the new TV show AGENT CARTER as well as the first ever trailer for Marvel's July 2015 release film ANT-MAN. Prior to this my buddy Clint and I a.k.a. THE INFINITY WATCH recorded our second episode. It should have been released a while ago but there were some technical difficulties which pushed back the release. We recovered what we could and now give it to you all!

Click below to listen to the podcast!

INFINITY WATCH EPISODE 2

Comic books to add to your pull list as advised by the Infinity Watch:

GUARDIANS 3000

Guardians 3000 issue 2 cover by Alex Ross

Written by cosmic maestro Dan Abnett, one of the writers for the 2008 volume, this book focuses on the original Guardians of the Galaxy team (not the team of characters featured in the movie) and a major unraveling of time/space reality. The book is fast paced, hard hitting, and 100% awesome! Some drawbacks to the series have been fan reaction to the art. The art is a little cartoony and less serious feeling. There is also some future-speak, new verbage spoken by the characters, which is a little off-putting at first until you get used to it. Anyway, this is the best book being put out by Marvel right now.

INHUMAN

Inhuman promo

Written by Charles Soule, Inhuman focuses on the fallout from a major Marvel event, INFINITY. The Inhumans are shattered and spread out across the globe. A huge cloud of mutating mist is traveling around the world transforming people into new Inhumans. There are different factions among the Inhumans warring with each other over the new Inhumans. Its a fresh exciting book and very very fun.

And right at the end we were given the first trailer for ANT-MAN

Ant-Man Poster

There you have it! Take a listen and tell us what you think! Until next time...

The Infinity Watch by Jim Starlin